on ghosting as a woman in a patriarchal society
cw: rape, assault
as americans, we live in a society where women are often threatened with their lives for making their own decisions.
in ohio elected officials are trying to make it so that a woman who chooses not to be pregnant anymore could be killed by the government.
today. in 2018.
almost half of female survivors of rape were raped by a man they know. the statistics for murder are similar.
today. in 2018.
black, brown, and native women are particularly susceptible to violence from men they know. black women are two and a half times more likely to be murdered by men than white women. nine in ten murdered black women knew their killers.
today. in 2018.
the rates of murder for trans women are astronomical and increase each year. 75% of trans and gender non-conforming americans killed because they chose to live in line with their identities since 2010 were black.
i have been called a bitch for not responding quickly enough to a text message.
i have been followed for seven blocks for not responding to “a compliment.”
i have had to ask a friend for a ride home from my birthday party because a man insisted that he had “a right to make sure [i] made it home safely.”
i spent a summer continuing to work next to a man who had raped me because he was my boss and i needed the money and i had been drinking that night and i’ve seen the ways rape victims get dismantled when they come forward.
i went on a decent date tonight with a man i matched with on a dating app. we bantered about rewatching the haunting of hill house and whether or not he was a serial killer. we met up and talked for three hours. he seemed nice. at the end of the evening he asked if i wanted to part ways with a hug or a kiss. i laughed and said a kiss is fine “but no funny business.” he immediately put his tongue in my mouth and gripped my ass with both hands. i could feel that he was hard against my leg. i pulled back and said “nope” three times. he began to aggressively kiss my neck. i stepped away from him and said i was going to go home. he said “do you need to go home or do you want to go home?” i said “i need to go home.” he said “i had hoped you would be my alarm clock” he said “i mean, it’s your choice of course.” i said “it certainly is” and he laughed. he asked again “are you sure you need to go home?” i walked to my car focused solely on getting to my own space safely and being alone. before i made it home i had a text that said he’d had “fun” and asked if he’d be seeing me again.
his last text said: “wasn’t sure if you were into me or anything; kept your poker face strong.”
since i was in eighth grade i have been in more situations with this level of insistence than i can count. i am grateful that i have grown to the point where i no longer give in because it is “easier.”
i won’t respond to his texts. i won’t pick up if he calls. and before you try to say “then he won’t learn anything from this,” remember that this is a man who heard me say no three times and did not change his behavior. so, why would he listen now?
i won’t ask for forgiveness for choosing to abruptly stop engaging with a man entirely when i begin to feel uncomfortable, unsafe, or even unhappy. each of the men above began by being very sweet to me and assuring me that they were interested in me. two of them have reputations for being good men even amongst some of my friends who are women. no matter how seemingly kind these men were upon meeting them, each of them reacted violently when i made a decision about what i wanted for myself that did not align with what they wanted from me. and let’s be clear, violence does not just mean physical harm. violence is using your power to make someone else feel unsafe. these men are violent. it is extremely hard to predict which men will or won’t be violent.
i ghost men. often, it is not a matter or awkwardness or lack of manners, or fear of conflict. it is a matter of safety.
until men stop assaulting, raping, and murdering us for making our own choices, i will continue to ghost men.
